Chyna: Warrior Princess - The Taker Saga
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: The First Saga. Chyna, a mighty princess forged in the heat of lowblows, takes on the Taker with a vengeance
1. The Phantom Low-blow

  
  


_CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS (C)_

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM LOW-BLOW

The characters in this tale of valor and might are the sole property of Titan Sports, the WWF, and ultimately VINCE. Don't own em. This story contains coarse language and anyone offended by this sorta thing should leave...NOW. Go read something else on this web site and come back when ya older, I'll still be here...probably.

* * *

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero

She was Chyna, a she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, the DANGERher courage will ultimately piss everybody off

And Chyna, being a very mighty Warrior Princess, had a very mighty sidekick

Hunter Hearst Helmsley, pretty boy with nice hair

And so begins the first chapter of

CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS!! 

Our story begins with the Warrior Princess praying in the temple of Sable, goddess of Silicon, and HHH keeping an eye out for trouble. Suddenly, out of nowhere, leapt from the bushes the terrifying banshee Debra, wielding her big nasty sword and screaming something scary.

"You, Fabiowhere is that stupid bitch Chyna: Warrior Princess?!" Debra screeched at Hunter rather nastily, raising her blade and adjusting her leather wonder bra in anguish. Hunter pulled out his super sword and screamed at Debra

"Why do you seek the Warrior Princess foul crone??"

"Because, my master has sent for her, and I must obey him!" Screamed Debra, stomping her leather clad foot on the ground. 

"Who do you serve wench?" Hunter spat at the blond harpy, getting a little annoyed.

"Jeff Jarrett, lord of the kingdom of"

Just as Debra was about to tell Hunter of Jeff's whereabouts, Chyna sprung from the temple of Sable and punched poor old Debra in the head. She tumbled to the ground.

"Who are you bitch?" Snarled Chyna, boot kicking Debbie in the guts.

"You MUST go to my master Jeff!" Hacked Debra, rolling around on the dusty ground. "He holds the secret ofyour long lost brother!" 

Chyna gasped at this revelation. Could it be true?? Could Chyna have a long lost sibling? Who could it be?

Just as she was about to ask Debra where the Jarrett kingdom lie, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"We must find the kingdom of Jeff Jarrett, HHH." Said Chyna. "I must find out the identity of my long lost brother"

***

Chyna and Hunter traveled all day, and finally reached a small tavern, which they entered. It was a drunken little affair, with this bald warrior dude drenching himself with beer and trying to dance with the belly dancer on the table. Eventually he fell off, and slammed into the Warrior Princess Chyna.

"Scuse me sir" Slurred the bald dude, staggering into Hunter. "Pardon ME madam"

Chyna disregarded him and threw him into the bar, where he broke a hell of a lot of bottles. He once again rolled onto the floor.

"HEYYYYY" Said the warrior. "Nobody touk-shes Shtone Cold Shteve Aushtine" He staggered onto his bar stool, and fell onto his ass.

"Heyyyy.I think I've thourght ovf a noo move"

"Gimmee a Budweiser." Chyna muttered to the small looking bar keep. "What kingdom is this??"

"The kingdom of Ass." Said the bar keeper. "We're at war at the moment with the kingdom of D-Generates. Our lord, Billy Gunn, got pissed off with their lord, Road Dogg. Then it just turned into this huge thing."

"Where does Jeff Jarrett live?" Asked Hunter.

"Jarrett? That little piss weak bastard?" Muttered the bar keep. "He and that banshee witch of his live in a cave up the road. He comes down here, gets pissed and wrestles with Steve Austin in our exclusive mud baths. Would YOU like a mud bath?"

"No." Muttered Chyna. "Wellmaybe a quick one. HHH, go find Jeff and beat the living shit out of him."

"But why, Warrior Princess?"

"Because this story needs some frikkin action. RIGHT NOW."

***

Hunter ran down the road, when a tattered guy with long blond hair and a puffy shirt fell into his path.

"Helpppp meeeee" Groaned the poor dude. "I'm Christian, and the Undertaker is REALLY pissed off at the moment."

"You mean" Gasped Hunter.

"Yessss." Moaned Christian. "Judgement day has arrived'Taker had freed the Titans!"

Chyna, Hunter, Christian and a drunken Stone Cold charged into Jeff's cave, to find him attached to a crucifix with a cheap Socko imitation in his mouth, and Debra was not to be seen. Chyna ripped off his gag and screamed:

"What happened and who the fuck is my brother?!"

"Oooohhh, my headdd." Groaned Jeff. "They took my woman"

Chyna sighed, and smacked him in the head, knocking him cold. She then turned to Christian.

"Wait a minutewho the hell are you, and why are you all of the sudden hanging around?"

"I'm Christian, ex-Ministry dweller who has fled for my life after Taker got pissed off at me because I let Road Dogg get away in a battle and was going to throw me in the demon pit. I told you that six times."

"Oh yeah." Said Chyna. She spun around and looked at Steve

"Anndddwho are you?" 

"Shtone Cold Shteve AushtineI like beer." 

"Ohand you?"

"Your sidekick" Muttered Hunter.

"Ok, now that's all sorted out let's go and whoop some Taker ass. To the D-Generate kingdom!" Yelled Chyna, running towards the mountains screaming her war cry

"Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!"

"Waittt" Groaned Jeff. "Take me with you!" He slid from the crucifix and attached himself to Christian's leg. "If you leave me hereI'll die"

"If you don't let go of my leg I'll kill you myself!" Christian yelled, trying to push him off. He kicked him in the head and ran out the cave.

"I'll give you ALL my treasure" Groaned Jeff, staggering around the room. HHH's head peered around the door, a look of interest forming on his face

***

Edge clambered up the high tree and tried to perch on the highest branch, searching for his brother who had gone missing. Gangrel stood at the base of the tree, keeping an eye out for the rest of the Ministry, hoping that Mideon or Viscera or the Acolytes wouldn't come strolling by.

"Christian??" Edge called as quietly as possible. "Christian? Where are you bro??"

"Shhhhhh!" Hissed Gangrel. "'Taker is coming! Get down idiot!" Edge spun around, unfortunately forgetting his vulnerable position. He lost his footing, and fell on his ass. He clung to the branch for dear life until he heard a snap, and he plummeted to earth like a rock and landed splat on top of poor old Gangrel.

"Soonnnn." Undertaker said to his self in his eiree kinda way, ignoring the Brood members lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. "The Titans are under my control, and soon, I shall overthrow Vince the Barbarian and destroy all these puny little kingdoms. NOBODY shall stop me. HA HA HA HA!"

And he broke into maniacal laughter, before walking away. But Paul Bearer, the fat ass, came lumbering down towards the tree, wearing nothing but a loose loin cloth. Edge groaned in horror at the disgusting sight and tried to bury his head into the grass, whilst Gangrel leapt up, trying not to grasp his semi crushed back and look like he was just standing there doing nothing, not rolling around in agony with Edge on the ground.

"What are you doing?" Spat Paul, starting to do flabby star jumps. Gangrel winced at the sight of Paul as he went through his yearly exercise routine. "I must look my best for the conquering of Vince and his Corporate kingdom. Piss off."

Gangrel scurried off, dragging Edge behind him.

***

"Who the fuck is this?!" Chyna demanded of hunter as a bedraggled Jeff tumbled form his horse. "This is the ass hole I expressly forbade you to bring along, isn't it? The fucker who knew nothing about my brother and cares only about that wrinkly blond cow!?"

"Umyeah." Said Hunter 

"Do you want me to rip off ya cock and shove it up ya ass?" Demanded Chyna, as Steve staggered towards them and tripped over Jeff's form collapsed in the dirt

"Shittt." Moaned Stone Cold, trying to get up. "I NEED beer! I need a Steveweiser! Gimme a STEVEWEISER!!!!!. Fuck, I'm so hungover! I usually avoid hangovers by staying drunk."

Chyna stood there for a moment, before punching Steve in the balls. It's a LOW BLOW!!!

Stone cold grasped at his nuts as Chyna then flew into a mad low blow frenzy, spinning around and screaming, fists aiming for grape fruits'. She smashed Jeff up the ass. She headbutted HHH before kicking him in the balls. She turned and went Christian, but Christian fled. Round and round Chyna chased the very unfortunate Brood Dude, until a horse charged up, carrying a very special 

Lord Billy Gunn!!!

***

So, our heroes/drunken dude/Ministry fugitive were dragged to Lord Billy Gunn, king of one of the small kingdoms, the Kingdom of Ass. Billy was dressed in a yellow cloak, which he ripped off to reveal his sexy body and yellow Badd Ass shorts. He leapt onto a table and started screaming.

"What the fuck are you dickheads doin here?? You stay outta my lands ya hear! The Ministry is tryin to kill me! My kingdom is in disrepair! Chyna" He started to sob.

"Hellllpppp meeeee"

Chyna groaned and gave Billy a low blow. She then turned and started chasing around Billy's personal guard Brian Christopher and gave him a low blow too. When she was done, she fixed her hair and replied;

"Sorry, I just had to do that. Ok then. But you must come and settle your differences with Lord Road Dogg. It's the only way to save the world, we must all work together. The D-Generates, the Ass people, the J.O.B Squad, the Roody Poo Clan, the UnionVince the Barbarian's followers!"

"Noooo!" Cried Badd Ass. "Not Road Dogg! ANYTHING but Road Dogg! And I'm not too hot about the J.O.B Squad either" Chyna moved towards his groin with her ever ready fist.

"Ok! We'll go and chat with Road Dogg"

***

And so, as it was written, Chyna, HHH, Mr. Ass, Christian, Jeff and a hungover Steve Austin journeyed to the D-Generate Kingdom, fearing for their lives and fearing for their nuts coz Chyna was in a badd mood. And Road Doggy Dogg wasn't too pleased to see his old bud Billy.

"Why the fuck didya bring this cock to MY palace??" Demanded Jesse Jammes. "Why are all these people all of a sudden at my place?! The strip party isn't till next week!"

"Can I come?" Steve asked meekly. "Give me some sympathyI feel like shit and I fell off my bar stool and hurt my ass"

Road Dogg ignored Austin and continued.

"Like it isn't bad enough that the Titans are free and Undertaker has gone on a mad rampage! Like it isn't bad enough that my palace was almost invaded by MARK HENRY last night! Oh noooooo, little miss jacked up bitch Chyna brings this jabronie to my place!"

Chyna looked furious for a moment, then turned and punched Jesse in the balls.

Ok, so after some tough relations, Billy and Road Dogg reached an agreement. They be friends, or have their manhood' punched in.

And so, Now stronger than ever, Chyna traveled to all the kingdoms, fist at the ready.

Down went Al Snow.

Down toppled the Rock.

Even Mankind fell to her mighty muscular arm.

Al, Rock, Mankind, Kane, X-Pac, Big Show, Droz, D-Lo, Godfather, Test, Shamrockeven Vince, fell to her mighty fist.

Hardcore Holly, Bossman, Blue Meanie, Mosh, Thrasher, Jackie, Sexual Chocolate, Val Venis, the Hardy Boyzeven the king of the gods HBKfell to her mighty chair.

***

Taker sat on his throne, cackling to himself over his evil plans, as Paul Bearer approached, still wearing the loose loincloth over his flabby folds. He started doing star jumps, and singing a little tune.

"I'm just a sexy boyI'm not ya boy toy, I'm just a sexy boy"

"Get me the Brood!" Undertaker ordered a frightened Mideon, who was watching Paul Bearer's exercise routine. He rushed off as quickly as his fat ass would allow him, bringing back with him our favorite vampire and hunter.

"My vampire friends, I'm ordering you to go intercept Chyna andfang her or something." Said the Undertaker.

"Why us?" Asked Gangrel. "She'll kill us!"

"I know." Said the Taker, looking very unconcerned. "You see, you're very dispensable people. And, you're fuck ups. Christian was a fuck up. He got defeated by Road Dogg, didn't he? Not only defeated, but had an arrow shot up his ass by X-Pac from the tower. And where is he know, huh?"

"Um, where IS Christian?" Asked Edge timidly.

"Don't know, don't care." Muttered the Taker. "He escaped having his head cut off, and if he's not dead now, he soon will be. Now get, you pathetic little fanged bastards"

***

But, in a very different place, Vince the Barbarian is in serious trouble, for his heir apparent Shane, the bitchy warrior boy, had become rather power mad, using the Corporation to his advantage by promising them Vince's lands as a little present. So naturally, they belted the living shit out of poor old Vince, and hung him upside down over a vat of steaming marmalade. What a way to die.

"Helppppp." Vince groaned, wiggling franticly as his rope slowly burned. But help was on the way, as mighty Chyna backflipped into action, grabbed Vince's rope as it burned to nothing, swung him rapidly, and threw the barbarian into the wall. He slid down, hacking, his hairy rabbit skin loincloth slipping away from his crotch.

"Vince. I am here" She said, standing proud and tall.

"YeahI noticed" Groaned Vince, squirming on the ground, as Chyna's sword chopped through his restraints.

"Trying bondage, huh?" Sighed the Warrior Princess, yanking him up by the hair. "What are you doing here?"

"Shane" Said Vince. "Shane, he's a little bitch. He's got the Corporation under his power. They're gonna join the Ministry! We're all doomed!"

"Not yet we're not!" Said Chyna viciously, as she hitched Vince over her shoulder and charged from the dungeon, her jaw set and her teeth clenched.

***

So, it happened. Shane, and the new improved Corporate Ministry, with their evil Titans, prepared to massacre everyone in the world, and not even HBK could do anything about it. The queen of the gods, Tori, had fallen madly in love with Shane, and was doing his bidding at every turn. The Kingdom of Ass was falling apart from a recent attack from Mark Henry, the D-Generate Kingdom wrecked from the Undertaker shooting missiles at it last Tuesday, the Roody Poo Kingdom wasn't even a real kingdom, just the Rock and a whole lot of paper cut outs. In short, Chyna was very stressed out, and nobody dare piss her off. The last thing she needed was a vampire and a very nervous hunter stomping up to her and trying to whack her with a block of wood. And that is why Gangrel was flung into a tree.

"I'm sorryyyy" Gangrel sobbed, as Chyna tied him down to a chair, then tied Edge to a tree. Christian walked up to see what the commotion was, to see his old buddies about to be stabbed in the head with Chyna's trusty sword.

"Nooo!" Cried Christian. "Don't kill my bro! Waaaaaa! Don't kill my brother!"

"This little fucker is your brother?" Muttered Chyna. "And is this ugly little troll your father, is he? Yeah, great family."

"No, noplease don't kill them!" He fell to his knees and attached himself around Chyna's muscular leg.

"Oh, alright." Muttered Chyna, kicking him off. She turned and untied them, as an arrow whistled in and landed thunk

right in Jeff Jarrett's back.

"Oh shit" Muttered Chyna.

***

And, the battle ensued. Conveniently, right next to a big pit of mud. Shane leapt upon Vince, and they pummeled into each other, kicking and screaming, Shane pulling hair and scratching at Vince. The reunited Brood attacked Mideon, Viscera and the Acolytes, smashing them with rocks and hunks of wood. Chyna screamed and threw herself at the Undertaker himself, and they rolled into the pit of mud, punching into each other

Billy Gunn needed a weapon, as the Big Bossman was charging at him, so he grabbed the nearest thingRoad Dogg. He lifted him high, and threw him hardsmashing him into the unwary Bossman. Sure, it stopped him, but it also crushed Road Dogg's ribs.

And that's where the problem started, because it reopened old wounds between the D-Generate Kingdom and the Kingdom of Ass.

Road Dogg leapt upon Billy and started kicking him and screaming. Billy Gunn's guard Brian Christopher grabbed X-Pac by the hair, and with an almighty shove, slammed his head into the ground. Again and again, until Kane grabbed him by the throat and sent him flying like a twig, into two of Mr. Ass' men, Val Venis and the Godfather. The Headbangers, two of the D-Generate Kingdom's baddest warriors, grabbed D'Lo and chucked him into the mud pit, while Sexual Chocolate wrenched Road Dogg off his lord, Mr. Ass, and begun to pummel him viciously. The J.O.B Squad weren't too pleased about that, so they grabbed Billy Gunn, and into the mud he flew, ruining his new yellow cloak.

"Whaddaya doin?" Screeched Chyna. "We're spose to be fighting them, not each other! Get the Corporate Ministry you fucking dickheads, NOW!"

Then, it happened. HHH turned nasty, and attacked Chyna. They rolled around in the mud, Chyna trying to wrench him off.

"Why Hunter, why?!" Chyna moaned as she pulled out her sword.

"Because." Said Hunter, pulling out his sword. "I don't like you."

That did it. Chyna grabbed Hunter and started to shove mud in his eye. Hunter retorted with a kick to Chyna's groin.

"Taste your own medicine BITCH!" Hunter screamed, kicking her groin aggressively. She groaned in pain as he flung her smack bang into a tree, then leapt upon her and slammed her head into a rock. But...

Good old Mankind lumbered to Chyna's aid, grabbing Hunter and giving him the mandible claw. Stone Cold staggered into the fight, but tripped and fell into the mud. There he found himself eye to eye with a very pissed off Lord of Darkness. Undertaker started to try and drown him in the mud, but Stevie waded away, searching for a Steveweiser

Then, the Titans arrived, lead by an evil Paul Bearer.

"Yay! Yay!" Cried Shane, hopping up and down in glee. "We win! Yippee! Up yours Vince, your in the mean streets on ancient Greece now! Woooo!"

But HBK had simply had enough. With a sigh, he lifted up his mighty little finger, and sent a fire ball towards the monsters, frying them to a crisp. Shane's jaw dropped like a draw bridge, all his plans ruined. He turned and tried to hit Shawn, but HBK doesn't take shit from anyone. With a sigh, he lifted up his fingerand turned Shane into a chicken.

But remember, even though Shane had been neutralized (Although that's a pretty bloody easy task) Undertaker is still on the loose, no matter how mud encrusted. And he's god damn pissed off at Chyna, who is wrestling with HHH on the ground. So, the evil Lord of Darkness strode towards the Warrior Princess, and prepared to kill her, that is, until Kane decided he had completely had enough of all this shit and grabbed the Taker, and flung him into a treeand skewered him onto a particularly sharp branch. And this time, he didn't mean for his eyes to roll back in his head, coz he's dead.

Chyna managed to throw Hunter off herself, and prepared to stab him, when something came over her. 

"Hunter, whatever happened to us?" She sighed.

"You're ugly, stupid and bitchy while I'm gorgeous, with lovely hair."

"Yeah, now I know." Said Chyna, raising her sword and stabbing HHH brutally. "Silly me, how could I forget?"

"Yay, Kane saved the day!" Said Vince, jumping up and down happily. "Oh how can I repay you? Taker is dead! Yippee!"

Kane just stood there, as Vince skipped around giggling.

"Youshut up." Muttered Kane, shoving Vince away and walking towards the D-Generate Kingdom, conveniently kicking Billy Gunn in the ribs. X-Pac and Road Dogg shrugged and followed, their d-generate buddies close behind.

"Help me." Hacked Jeff, trying to reach the arrow sticking out of his back. "Oh damnI'm gonna die, and I don't even know where Debra went!"

"I do" Said Steve Austin with a secretive little smile. "We're sleeping together"

"Arrrgghhhhh!!!" Screeched Jeff. "I'll see you in hell!"

"Wait!" Commanded Chyna. "Tell me who my brother is! Tell me you bastard!" 

"Oh yeah" Hacked Jeff. "Your long lost brother is"

"TELL ME FUCKNUT!!!" Chyna screamed, shaking his dying body.

"HHH" Coughed Jeffthen died.

"Oh shit." Muttered Chyna, staring at Hunter's bloody dead body. "Oh well. He asked for it."

"What should we do with Shane?" Asked Christian, picking up the squawking fowl.

"UmI think I should take him." Said Vince, taking the chicken from Christian's grasp. "Bye bye."

And off he went.

And so, Chyna rode off into the sunset, sidekick and brotherless. But of course, all the characters that died in this story will probably come back, so don't freak out.

She was Chyna, Warrior Princess.

And she DIDN'T save the day, but who cares.

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	2. Return of the Taker

  
  


CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS(C)

EPISODE II: RETURN OF THE TAKER.

We all know the sing along, boys and girls. Don't own em. Vince/Titan Sports does. I'll put em back when I'm done. This story contains coarse language, badd for people who don't care for it, yadda yadda yadda. Read at own risk.

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In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero

She was Chyna, a she-male forged in the heat of low blowsthe power, the passionthe DANGERher courage will probably screw everybody.

And, if you may remember in the previous episode of this thrilling series, Chyna was involved in a wee bit of strife with the Undertaker and his demonic Ministry, which had become the Corporate Ministry after Taker and the bitch from Greenwich, Shane formed an unholy alliance. Chyna attempted to force Badd Ass Billy Gunn and the lord Road Doggy Dogg to be buddies again, but it failed miserably. In the action packed finale(which included a mud pit, by the way) all Chyna's little plans and her little dreams fell apart, until HBK turned Shane into poultry, and Kanehow should I put thisSHISK-KA-BABED the Taker on a tree. The world was safe again!

Oh yeah, Chyna brutally murders HHH, HHH turns out to be her brother, yadda yadda yadda.

Let the story begin!

***

Chyna sat on the throne, a purple robe thrown over her masculine shoulders. She laid back onto the plushy cushions slightly, taking time to prop her knee high leather booties on her foot stoolBrian Christopher. Yup, life was goooddd. Her attack of the kingdom of Ass had gone pretty well, coz Billy Gunn was in the dungeon at the moment, and Chyna was kinahem, QUEEN. Queen of Ass, has a nice ring don't it? Well anyway, Chyna was large and in charge.

And so, the Warrior Princess rose from her guilded seatand did absolutely nothing like usual.

***

But in other places, say the D-Generate kingdom, all is not well. The kingdom is totally fucked from all the fights caused by Chyna, Road Dogg's strip party had to be cancelled, and Mark Henry returnedooohhhh.

"Shit!" Screeched Road Dogg as the roof crashed down and almost squished him flat, taking out another floor as it smashed through his palace. Mosaics and altars to the gods tumbled from the walls, and as the dust cleared, a final piece of tiling toppled from the gaping hole that used to be a section of the roof and smacked Road Dogg in the back of the skull. Thunder rumbled in the distance as the rain began to hammer down, turning the destruction into a soggy mess.

"I guess now's not a good time to say we need a new coat of paint?" Said X-Pac, as he carefully maneuvered through the destruction of Sexual Chocolate.

"Fuck off." Muttered Jesse Jammes, flicking soggy mud brick off his shoulder in disgust. "We need cash, and fast. This place was always trashy, but shit, even the cockroaches have started relocating."

"How about we attack the kingdom of Ass?" Suggested X-Pac. "These fuckers always have heaps of cash. Ever been to one of Billy's porn and prawn nights? They're not like ours, the prawns are real."

"Good idea." Said Road Dogg. "I'll go and see if my horse hasn't been swept away in the storm or squished by bricks. We'll rob from Mr. Take-It-Up-The-Ass"

***

As Road Dogg, X-Pac and Kane trudged towards the kingdom of Ass in the pissing rain (poor horsies don't take raging mud slides too well), the lightning crackled in the distancenotoriously close to the former lands of the evil Taker.

"Hang on" Said X-Pac suddenly. "Isn't is spose to be summer?"

"Yes." Muttered Road Dogg.

"And like, wasn't there that pesky little drought?" 

"Yes."

"Andis that a volcano erupting on the Taker's old lands?"

"Yes." Said Road Dogg, looking upwards at the green mist coming from the mountain. "That doesn't look too healthy"

With an almighty BOOM! It erupted. But not lava, something far worse. The Taker shot from the volcano at warp speeds, grasping a huge sword, and slid down the mountains side, cackling maniacally. With a whump, he landed on the soggy ground, then looked at the smoking volcano impatiently.

"Come on fucknut!" He screeched. "Get your sorry ass out here!"

And slowly, that all too familiar lovely blond hair emerged from the peakwith our favorite dead sidekick under it

Hunter Hearst Helmsley!!!

"Holy HBK!" Spat Road Dogg. "It's Hunter Hearst Homo!"

"Isn't it Helmsley?" Asked X-Pac.

"Yes, you dumb ass." Muttered Jesse Jammes, rolling his eyes. "It's my own personal reference to the jabronie, ok?"

"Oh, ok. Carry on." Said X-Pac, tapping his forehead and grinning. Road Dogg flicked him in the head.

"Fuck you're stupid"

"I AM THE UNDERTAKER!!!!" 

The Taker's voice suddenly filled the mud encrusted valley, and boomed around almost endlessly.

"And I am Hunter"

No booming there.

"AND I HAVE HBK'S SWORD! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" 

"And I'm quite happy about that" 

"SHUT UP HUNTER."

"Sorry."

"I kinda think we should be going now" Said Road Dogg, backing away from the nasty dead dudes.

They turned and fledexcept for Kane, who walked in his everyday painfully slow manner.

***

Back at the kingdom of ass. Chyna too has noticed this strange change of weather. To pass the time, she has gone to the local pub for a mud bath, but all is not well. The people are concerned about rumors of the Taker returning, and the fact that this flood is so strong it is sweeping away fruit, veg and livestock.

"You knowya know what I heard??" Said Steve Austin to D'Lo, as Chyna walked into the bar. "I heard that Taker is back, you knowhe ate a kontiki tour of Hestian Virgins, didn't ya know?"

"Is all that beer good for your system?" Asked D'Lo, as Steve cracked open a Steveweiser.

"Well, I've been drinkin since 3:16, and just look at my physique! Sexxxyyyyy."

"Shut up, all of you!" Screeched Chyna. "These rumors are lies I tell you, all LIES! I KILLED the Taker."

"That's not how I remember it" Said D'Lo. "I remember Ka"

Quick as a flash, Chyna implanted a toasting fork into D'Lo's unprotected ass. Needless to say, it shut him up.

"I killed the Taker." Spat Chyna, pushing her hair from her face. "Any one of you boys wanna argue?!"

The pub was silent, as Stone Cold raised his hand.

"What?!" Screeched Chyna.

"Chyna, can I toss your salad?" He asked. "Coz you've got a nice assfor a guy."

Chyna's head went red, then a purplish hue, as she pulled out her sword, her teeth clenched, her viola jaw sticking out.

"That's it!" Said Austin in glee. "Get mad you jacked up BITCH! NOW!"

And all of a sudden, Hawk and Val Venis leapt up from behind the bar.

"The Legion of Drunks 2000! Go! Get the warrior bitch!"

Chyna leapt at Val, who was pelvic thrusting on the table top. She brought him down to the floor with a slam, and jumped on top of him when they landed. She pummeled at him brutally, shaking him and slamming his head repeatedly into the hard ground.

"Not the face" Val Venis whimpered, as Chyna shrugged, changed her strategyand slammed her fist into his unprepared nuts. It's a LOW BLOW!

"Aim for the face" Groaned Val. But Chyna was finished with Mr. Porn Pretzel. Instead she flipped across the room towards Hawk, grabbed him by the hair, and flung him into the bottles lined up on the bar counter. She grabbed an almost full bottle of ancient scotch, and smashed it across his head. After conveniently shoving him onto the blood spattered floor, she turned her attentions to Austin. She ripped into him, as our three favorite D-Generates entered the pub, dripping wet and mud splattered.

"Bar keep, I'll have"

Road Dogg never finished his sentence. Instead, he was collected by the brawl, and deposited on the floor. This pissed Chyna off immensely, so she turned, glaredand gave Road Doggy Dogg a low blow.

"Get outta my way JACKASS!" Chyna screamed, picking up a chair and smashing it over Steve's bald head.

"I'm a jackass huh?" Snarled Road Dogg, clambering to his feet. "Well, I'm gonna HEE HAW my way up YOUR ASS!!!"

And so the brawl continued, rather noisily. The Legion of Drunks 2000 wasn't the most powerful force, seeming they were pissed, and fell out of the fight pretty quickly. But not Road Dogg, he'd had a bad day and wasn't taking shit from nobody. He grabbed Chyna in a side headlock, and slammed her face into the counter top, before giving her a piledriver onto a destroyed chair. But her head was dangerously close to his balls, and

"ARGGGGHHH!" Screamed Road Dogg, dropping her unceremoniously onto the ground. "She bit my balls man! ARGGGGGGGHH!"

Well, Chyna won the fight anyway.

***

"Hey, at least we got to the kingdom of Ass" Said X-Pac, pulling pathetically on his metal restraints. Road Dogg turned and glared a glare that could kill a pot plant. If he wasn't chained to the wall he would have smacked him.

Yes, Chyna was irritated by the antics of everyone in the pub. Yes, she put her teeth where they shouldn't have been. And YES, she had arrested the D-Generates and the Legion of Drunks 2000 and thrown them into prison with Mr. Ass in a fit of uncontrollable rage. What's new?

"This is Chyna's way of torturing me, aint it?" Groaned Billy, trying to pull himself from the wall. "Locked in a room with assholes and pisspots! WAAAAA!!!"

"Yes!" Screamed Chyna, running in the room. "And now I'm gonna give you the Chyna torture! Twelve buckets of Steveweisers!!!"

"Can I have the torture please?" Steve asked hopefully. Chyna growled viciously, then went andyou got it. It's a LOW BLOW!

"Hang on" Said X-Pac suddenly. "What about that walking dead problem?"

"I couldn't care less at the mom"

There was an earth shattering ripping noise, as the roof flew off from the intensity of the storm, and the rain belted in. Within moments, the water was swirling around their ankles.

"We're all GONNA DIE!!!!" Screamed Steve, swinging on his metal chains. "Damn, and I'm not even comfortable."

And, as the water reached the waist of our hero Chyna (and the other guys, of course) the room filled with a bizarro light, and low and behold, standing in the dank dungeon was HHH!!!

"Oh crap." Muttered Chyna, as the water rose. "I guessyou aint dead."

"We told you, we told you." Chanted X-Pac, trying to get some height coz the water was up to his neck.

"Damn, why am I so fucking short?!"

"Yes, Chyna!" Said Hunter. "Tis I, Hunter Hearst Helmsley! The supposed brother that you had the relationship with, then brutally murdered!"

"And I thought my family was fucked up." Muttered Kane.

"But, you evil wench, you shall soon be no more!" Spat Hunter, stomping, or rather splashing his foot on the ground. "Coz I'm gonna get you!"

"I'm shaking in my boots." Sighed Chyna, grabbing Hunter by his lovely long locks, gaining momentum and smashing him into the wall, then pushing him under the rising water. She gripped at his head and slammed it in the water, sending it splashing over everyone.

"DIE! DIE!" Chyna screamed, shaking his head brutally, before dropping him and swimming to safety.

"WAIT!" Screeched Road Dogg, thrashing franticly. "DON'T LEAVE US HERE TO DIE!"

"I thought she was spose to be a hero or something." X-Pac gurgled to Val. 

"Well, obviously she's NOT!" Muttered Val. "Dammit, I'll never do it again. How depressing."

Yeah, Chyna's no hero. Fortunately, the flood was raging, and smashed out a wall. The water drained, sending HHH along with it. Where he went, I can't say. He went SOMEWHERE

And he'll be back. 

* * *


	3. Trouble's a Brewin

  
  


CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS(c)

Episode III: Trouble's a brewin.

Disclaimer: The characters depicted in this story are the sole property of Vince McMahon and Titian Sports. Don't own em, and no copyright infringement intended. I'll put em back when I'm done. This story contains coarse language and may not be suitable for anyone under the age of fifteen. ENJOY!!!!

* * *

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.

She was Chynaprobably.

The power, the passion, the DANGERshe will change the world alright, by screwing it.

HHH is baaackkkk, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Chyna is the queen of Ass, and Taker has HBK's sword. Where will this all lead our intrepid hero?! Probably towards a low blow or tworead on!

***

Chyna ran down the road, trying not to slip in the sticky mud. She pulled off her soaking wet cloak and left it in a puddle, as lightning crackled near Taker's lands.

"Shit, shit, shit" Groaned Chyna. "Why me? What did I ever do to deserve the living dead monkey crap?!"

And then, it happened. The Taker materialized in the path of the Warrior Princess, cackling like a maniac and swinging Shawn's sword aggressively. Chyna pulled out her mighty chakram, and hissed at the dead man, stomping her leather covered foot on the ground.

"Oh Chyna, don't be frightened" He said, a sick little grin forming on his twisted lips. "I'm here to make you an offer."

Chyna cocked her head to one side, and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm offering you the sword."

"It's not yours to give bastard!" Yelled Chyna, in one of her more heroic, benevolent and righteous moments. "I killed you!"

"No you didn't." Said the Taker.

"Yes!"

"NO BITCH!"

"YES BASTARD, AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN !" 

"Listen, I can't be bothered with you at the moment. You're too dumb to be a god anyway." Muttered the Taker. "I think there's some character requirements you don't have, say a PERSONALITY. I'll make it short. HBK is seriously stuffed. I'm gonna marry Tori, and rule the universe. I was gonna marry you, but I changed my mind, you piss me off. You can't stop me Chyna, either. Just thought I'd mention that. HA HA HA!"

And off he was in a puff of black smoke. But the Warrior Princess/Queen of Ass wasn't going to let Taker get nasty and destroy the worldagain. She vowed to defeat the bastard one way or anothereven if it meantthe ultimate horror.

Being friends with the jackasses in her dungeon.

***

Chyna sped as fast as possible towards her palatial palace, only to find the dungeon wall broken, the water flowing out, and Steve Austin dangling next to a whole bunch of picked locks.

"Figures" Muttered Chyna, taking her chakram and breaking his restraints. "Damn you're stupid Austin."

"I'm not stupid!" He groaned as he slid down the wet wall. "They wouldn't free me, they called me a drunken ignoramus who sleeps with sheep, which is so far away from the truth. I'm not ignorant, I like girls."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

***

Chyna and Austin arrived at a building that looked like a bar, and it attracted Steve like a magnet. He grabbed Chyna and ran in excitedly, only to find it was a Hestian temple, virgins praying around the sacred altarthe one place you NEVER take a man like Stone Cold.

"Ladies!" Said Steve, employing his famous Val Venis impersonation. "Who wants a good time, huh? Yeah? YEAH?"

The small group of Hestian Virgins all turned to see Steve gyrating bombastically, moving his bald head in a D'Lo kind of fashion.

"Are you the new priest?" Asked one.

"UmYEAHHHH baby!" He said pulling off his shirt, and rubbing it on his ass. "How about telling me your sins girlshell, I'll listen. I'll even contribute baby"

Chyna's fist met Steve's groin faster then it took Debra to find some good lovin. 

"Don't mind him, he has a dilapidating disease." Muttered Chyna. "To the brain."

Chyna and the head virgin Ivory had a nice old chat will Steve recovered quietly. Chyna explained her small problem, and Ivory in all her wisdom, suggested that Chyna find the D-Generates she wronged so badly, and ask for their help. And if they didn't give it to her, she should hurt them very badly, coz that's how they did it in these times. Ivory also suggested a small offering to HBK might be in order, a sacrifice if you will. Chyna agreed with this whole heartedly

***

"No, I will NOT be your sacrifice!" Screeched Steve. "Just because I nearly violated some sacred women of the cloth is no reason to kill me! Kill a sheep! Kill a goat! Kill a Road Dogg! Just don't kill me!"

"Maybe I could make it pleasant" Sighed Chyna. "You could DRINK yourself to death if you liked. You're nearly there as it is."

"Nooooo!" Yelled Stevie, sobbing. "How about something golden? Gods love GOLDEN shit!"

"And where the fuck are we spose to get gold moron?!" Hissed Chyna, smacking him in the forehead.

"In the hills!" Said Steve, throwing his fist in the air. "These hills are full of it!"

"You're FULL OF IT." Growled the Warrior Princess.

"I think we should lead a digging expathingie." 

"Ok." Sighed Chyna. "But if anyone asks, it was my idea!"

***

"Do you all know why you're here?" Chyna demanded the small crowd, pulling out her long and pointy thingher sword.

"Yeah!" Said X-Pac. "Free turnips! Free beer!"

Chyna turned and glared at a grinning Steve.

"Good one, huh?" Said Stone Cold. "They all fell for it!"

Chyna screamed incredibly loudly, and kicked Steve in the nuts.

"NO!" She screeched out the crowd. "We're here to fucking mine for gold to appease the frikkin gods! Get your picks and shovels out people!"

About half the crowd spat on Chyna and left, leaving an even smaller group standing before her, scratching their heads and mumbling to each other. Finally, Billy Gunn raised his hand.

"Yes?" Said Chyna hopefully.

"So, there IS'NT any free beer?"

"NOOOOOO DUMBASS!!!!"

"Oh" Said Billy, sounding disappointed.

But Road Dogg was more than willing to go, coz he desperately needed money. And so, he and X-Pac grabbed some picks, and joined Chyna's team. This made Billy jealous, so he too leapt aboard the band wagon and joined the crew. And as for Stevie, Chyna didn't have a mule to carry her stuff, so he'd have to do.

***

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with"

"With what?"

"Withhhhh"

"WITH WHAT?!" Screamed Chyna.

"R!" Said Billy, staring at something further up ahead. 

"Aardvark!" Said Steve, grinning. 

"Oh my gods" Muttered Chyna. "One, there are no frikkin aardvarks around, and two, it starts with A', fucker, A'!!!!!"

"Rock? Ropes?" Asked Road Dogg.

"Nope!" Said Billy. "Robber!"

"There's no frikkin robbers here you wanker!" Shouted Chyna, smacking Billy in the forehead. "Damn, how does someone like you end up a king?!"

"Then what's that?" Asked Billy, trying to shield himself from Chyna's fist. Chyna peered into the distance, to see the rather large band of nasties trundling towards her little group.

"Oh" Said Chyna. "THESE robbers. Well, what have we got of value here anyway? In any luck, they'll take Steve!"

But no, these nasties weren't interested in abducting Stevie, they were more focused on totally and utterly destroying Chyna, coz she'd most probably given them a low blow somewhere along the line. Their bold and fearless leader, the almighty pimpfathahem, GODFATHER, and his mighty army of hos were ready to take the Warrior Princess out!

"You, warrior wench!" Shouted D'Lo, standing in front of the army of semi topless women. "You're gonna pay for that damn toasting fork incident, oh you better RECOGNIZE!"

"Butwhat are you doin with the Godfather??" Asked Billy.

D'Lo ummed and ahhed for a bit, before Road Dogg stepped him.

"He's the head ho."

"What??"

"He's a ho! Seriously man, he's a frocky boy." 

"Don't call me a frocky boy!!" Screeched D'Lo.

"He's just a frockyyy boyyy" Road Dogg sang to that all too famous god like tune. "He's a boyyy toyyy! He's just a frocky"

"Shut up!" Shouted D'Lo, becoming distressed. "Oh, you BETTER RECOGNIZE!"

"Recognize what?" Retorted Road Dogg. "That you're a lady of the night?? That you're the cheapest way to get laid? That you're a FROCKY BOY???"

D'Lo, screamed, let his head rotate slightly on his rotund shoulders and leapt at the Dogg, slapping at him franticly. Within a moment they were on the ground, rolling in the dirt and pummeling into each other. Chyna advanced upon the skinny, leggy ho train*, (*Uh, trains didn't exist then, just usin it for effect.) and took down a particularly bony specimen, gripping two handfuls of her skimpy negligee and slamming her forehead into her lovely little nose. The group of women threw their petite little fists in the air, and advanced upon the snarling Warrior Princess in a feeble attempt to at least bring her down to one knee.

They failed.

Chyna screeched, and flung a stunned ho from her muscular back, sending her soaring, somewhat like a leaf, into a rock. She grabbed a pair of blondes and with great glee, clunked their heads together, and flung them away like the trash they are. She dispatched them all with kicks and fists of steel, sending bombshells flying in all directions.

D'Lo delivered one final, nasty jab to the grounded Road Dogg, then leapt to his feet, strutted towards Chyna, and grabbed her shoulders. Chyna muttered a particularly evil curse, raised her leather clad leg and sent it flying at warp factor 9, straight into the groin of the frocky one. He groaned, grasped at the defiled body part and staggered backwards as Chyna sent her skull flying backwards into his mouth. The final blow sent him airborne, as he sailed cleanly over Road Dogg and landed with an omnipotent smash, rolled onto his stomach and crawled away as fast as humanly possible.

"Well" Said Chyna, cracking her knuckles. "That was fun" 

***

And so, the journey continued, somewhat uneventfully, except for the occasional low blow here or there. Unfortunately, as miners they pretty much sucked. Steve was too drunk, Billy refused to soil his hands in hard labor, X-Pac didn't have the strength to even lift the pick, Road Dogg was more interested in singing for money and Chynawell, she was pissed off, damn pissed off. But hey, so what if mining aint their thing? We want ACTION, right?? Well, you're gonna get some

They go to a bar

And who is sitting there getting pissed? None other than

To be continuedheh heh heh.

* * *


	4. The Wrath of Hunter

  
  


CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS(c)

EPISODE IV: THE WRATH OF HUNTER

DISCLAIMER: The characters depicted in this story are the sole property of Titan Sports, i.e Vince the Barbarian. No copyright infringment intended. This story contains coarse language and violence, but hey, kiddies go ahead and read it. You hear enough of that sorta thing on RAW anyway...

RAW IS PORN!! 

* * *

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna a she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, THE DANGERher courage will keep us thoroughly entertained!

As you may remember from previous episodes, Taker is free, HHH has gone SOMEWHERE, but more importantly, who is it that is sitting at the bar?! All shall be revealedprobably.

"It's" Stuttered Billy in disbelief.

"It's HBK!" Said X-Pac, rushing up to him in awe. "Awman! Can I have your autograph?? Pul-leasee?! Oh, and one for my mom? And my dad, and my cousin Z-Pac, and my aunt Granola, and my friend Kane, and my great uncle X-Pac, and granny X-Pac and"

"GET FUCKED." Muttered Shawn, attempting to brush away X-Pac with a swift movement of his arm. It struck X-Pac's chest, and rebounded off the scrawny covering of muscle, not shifting the D-Generate an inch. Shawn let go a tiny sob, then burst into tears.

"Oh crapppp" HBK groaned, cradling his face in his palm. "I'm screwed, totally screwed. I can't even knock this spindly little bastard down! Oohhh, cruel fate, why do you mock me?!"

"I'd say." Sighed Chyna, giving X-Pac a powerful shove and flooring him instantaneously. "It's pretty damn easy. Let me guess, you lost your sword??"

"Yeah, go onrub it in!!" Groaned Shawn pitifully, swigging the remains of the contents in his cup. "That bastard dead man got it away from me!"

"How did he achieve that?" Asked Road Dogg a little suspiciously, as Steve wandered towards a table with a Steveweiser in his grasp, mumbling happily. HBK threw his hands up in the ultimate despair, and tried to fix his hair, which had gone terribly limp.

"Oh, I'll never be a sexy boy againoh yeah, how he got hold of it. Well." He paused, unsure of whether to continue. Billy Gunn's eyes were as round as saucers, as he sat transfixed to Shawn, a thin trail of drool starting to form on his chin. Chyna sat on a bench, her long, athletic legs propped up on the oak table, an impatient look on her face. HBK shot a disarming grin in her direction, before taking a breath and continuing with his story.

"Well, you seehe's a pretty tough bastard, isn't he? I fought fantastically, like usualbut, you know"

"He kicked your ass." Chyna finished flatly.

"Umwell yeah." Sighed Shawn, indicating to the barkeep he wanted more grog. "What's worse, my wife was conspiring against me! ME! She wantedof all peopleShane! SHANE! How would you feel if your wife made the decision that Shane was better in bed than you! Argghhh! I'm not even immortal anymore, I'll have to spend the rest of my miserable mortal life living like you unadorned, plain-as-mud-on-a-wagon-wheel peasants! Waaaaaa!"

X-Pac staggered up from the floor, grasping at the counter top, looking around for anymore of the flying fists of Chyna. When he realized he was somewhat safe, he sat down next to Mr. Dogg, and the engrossed Mr. Ass.

"I don't wanna say itbut, but" Shawn smacked himself in the forehead. "Damn, help me! I need help! I need the Taker outta the picture! Remember, he who holds the sword holds the damn power, and all he needs is immortality to start a reign as the master of the universe! I think that's a good enough reason to lend me a hand in this matter, don't you?!"

"Yeah, probably." Sighed Chyna, standing up and adjusting her leather garb. "Let's just go and try and kill himagain. Who knows, It'll probably work this time."

***

Taker sat on HBK's throne in HBK's pad, the traumatized Tori sitting beside him, petting her forbidden lover Shane. Undertaker was feeling particularly pleased with himself, except he couldn't seem to get rid of the large hole in his stomach where he had been flung into the tree. It was really ruining his look, apart from the fact that he was dead anyway. Oh, and that Hunter was the most pathetic accomplice he had ever had in his entire life. Tori let go a small sob, as she stroked the chicken.

"Oh Shane, don't you worry" She sighed. "The nasty god who did this to you is going to pay. Just like that horrid warrior woman, and that indelicate fellow who shoved Taker into a treewith rather a lot of force as I recall."

Suddenly, the door of the temple swung open, and Hunter staggered into the room, dripping from head to toe with water. He shook a spray of droplets from his golden, flawless locks, then cautiously approached the Dead Man, smiling nervously and the glaring Taker.

"Well" Snarled the Taker, scowling at Hunter, his tree trunk like arms crossed. "Is Chyna dead yet?!"

"Well" Said Hunter, wringing his hands, and lightly stepping closer to Tori and the clucking Shane. "You seewe had a slight, and I emphasize SLIGHT, clash of interestsshe got nasty."

The Undertaker rose from his seat, yanked the cushion that had lodged itself inside the hole in his stomach, and strode towards the cowering Helmsley. They stood, eye to chest, as Hunter backed away ever so slowly. He suddenly dropped to his knees, clasped his hands together and begun frantic begging. 

"Pleaseeee don't kill meeeee!" Hunter sobbed, grabbing Taker's leg. "I'll kill her, I swear! I'll even kill Kane if you want me to! Hell, I'll kill anyone you damn say!!"

"Fine, fine" Muttered the Phenom, shaking Hunter into his own wet puddle. "You have one chance to redeem yourself"

"Yes??" Said Hunter, crawling back up to his knees, his eyes wide. "I'm listening! Should I write this down?"

"KILL HK!!!"

"Oh." Said Hunter. "Jolly"

***

And so Hunter journeyed forth, in search of the former king of the gods. He found him too, but believe it or not, Chyna was the single force between HBK's destruction. 

And so, Hunter leapt at the defenseless Shawn while Chyna was taking a whizz behind a bush, and started kicking him rather aggressively in the head. The drunken Steve staggered at the mightily irked HHH, and leapt upon his back. Hunter leapt upwards, Stone Cold still attached, and did a pirouette that would make a ballerina proud, sending him hurtling into the ground. Hunter then rose, dripping with beer, picked up the Steveweiser ands with a powerful shove smashed the can into the face of the jarred Austin, then spun like a bat out of hell and flew towards Shawn, landing smack bang in his sculpted abs and jabbing him in the nose. With a superior giggle he pulled a dagger from his boot, gave HBK a particularly unholy smack to the jaw, and prepared to drive it into the sexy boy's heart

"No DEAR GODS, NOOOO!" X-Pac's voice sounded from the rear of them.

X-Pac took a run up, jumped from one foot and sent his scrawny frame towards Hunter. He turned in time for X-Pac to go flying into his chest, sending them both slamming backwards in a flurry of arms and legs. The knife soared up, up, and then plummeted down like a rock, its blade implanting itself in the soft earth about a foot from the carnage.

Hunter looked at X-Pac.

X-Pac looked at Hunter.

And they both struggled up from the ground, trying to grip the all oh so important weapon, as Shawn rolled around in the dirt, grasping his head and muttering incoherently. Hunter muttered an unprintable curse, and dove for the crawling X-Pac's long, flying hair and took a firm grip of it. With an unpleasant smile, and a quick flick of the wrist he effortlessly yanked the kid up by his locks, gave his arm a quarter turn to the right and sent his thudding to the soil. The dagger was his! Hunter gets the victory!

Actually, all he got was a pretty hellacious low blow

"Brother dear" Chyna snarled, as Hunter fell to his knees, grasping at the defiled body part. He slowly staggered to his feet, and turned to face his old adversary, as she pulled out her mighty sword and glanced at him, a look of superiority on her face. But Hunter smiled, revealing rows of perfect teeth as it widened, and took a stance, giving X-Pac one final boot kick on the ground.

"Come get some you jacked up bitch!" Hunter shouted, pushing his golden hair from his face, continuing the obnoxious grin. "Coz this is where we end it, right here, right now!"

Chyna swore under her breath, pulled out her chakram and flung it with her sculpted arm with the strength of an army. It whizzed through the air, found its mark in Hunter's chin, ricocheted off the bone and flew back to Chyna's grasp. HHH stood motionless for a single moment, swayed slightlyand collapsed into a crumpled heap. Chyna raised an eyebrow at her unconscious sibling, stepped over him delicately and pulled up the tragic figure, which was Shawn Michaels.

"Damn, you're pathetic." Sighed Chyna, as HBK tried to fix his beautiful hair, which had been misplaced during the punch on. He scowled.

"I need my sword! WHADDAYA doing about it, huh? HUH?!" Shawn screeched, poking her in the shoulder with a rigid finger. She glared at the spot where he poked her then directly at him, as he stomped a livid foot into the ground. "Get me my damn sword! Or you'll be god damn sorry, my boy Hunter will"

Shawn stopped dead, suddenly aware that he'd said the wrong thing, at the wrong time. He looked at the Warrior Princess meekly, as her face darkened with anger. With a quick movement she gripped the side of his admirable face, and pulled him inches from her chiseled jaw.

"Your boy?!" She hissed through clenched teeth.

Shawn gulped and attempted to slide out of her grasp, but her fingers curled around his hair and took a death lock of his skull. HBK whimpered as the warrior closed in on him.

"What does that MEAN??"

"Well, you see" Said Hunter, stalling for time. "It's rather a long story"

"Oh, I have time." Chyna growled.

"Fine! FINE, let's just let the cat outta the bag!" Shawn muttered, trying to maneuver his way out of Chyna's vice like grip. "I'm HUNTER'S FATHER!!!"

Shocked silence followed, as HBK looked longingly Hunter on the ground. X-Pac crawled from the place he was lying, getting quite used to the knock downs by now, and stared at HBK, then HHH, then HBK again.

"Well, you certainly don't share noses" Said X-Pac with a shrug. "Man, you could build a temple on thatahem, appendage."

"Lay off grasshopper." Muttered Shawn. "What was I sayingoh yeah, my son."

"Hang on, hang on" Said X-Pac suddenly. "Does that make Shawn your father??"

"Not exactly" Said Shawn. "You see, wellit all really starts with the Undertaker. Or rather his mother, the biggest whore in history."

"Oh my god" Muttered Chyna.

"Mrs. Taker there has seen more knobs then a locksmith, I can tell you. Beautiful woman, I must admit." Shawn stopped and sighed a long, meaningful sigh. "Oh, but such a slut, she'd do anyone. Well, she did, actually. She did you're father, she did Taker's father, she did PAUL BEARER."

Chyna and X-Pac both simultaneously winced at the statement.

"Ah, and me and her had a rather nice, one night relationship. Then she dumped on me the little bastard you see before you, my son." He paused. "Hunterles!"

"Hunterles??" Snickered X-Pac. Shawn looked irritated as Chyna sent a thick, muscular arm in the kid's direction, sending him flying.

"Take a nap." She muttered, before becoming focused again. "Oh great, so I'm almost related to you. And Hunter. AND Kane. AND THE FRIKKIN UNDERTAKER!!! DAMMIT, YOU COULDA MENTIONED THIS EARLIER!"

HBK shrugged, and turned his gaze toahem, Hunterles'.

"What shall we do with him?"

"Leave him here, at this point I don't give a shit." Muttered Chyna. "I'm going to go destroy my family now, thank you very much. Hell, doesn't really matter anyway. I killed Hunter, Kane kills Undertaker, Hunter tries to kill you, Undertaker tries to kill me. I wonder if the playwright Jerry Sprigerous will write a poem on this crap?"

"It'd be a best seller." Sighed Shawn, as he turned and started to walk back towards the kingdom of Ass, X-Pac limping behind, Austin staggering to his feet and franticly searching for his Steveweiser. 

But it doesn't take long for Hunter to get back on his feet

And Road Dogg just happens to be walking straight towards his hiding place, totally unaware that the son of a god lurks in the shadowswith one hell of a dagger

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *


	5. The Final Frontier

  
  


CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS(C)

Episode V: The Final Frontier! 

DISCLAIMER:

The characters depicted in this story ae the property of Titan Sports and Vinnie Mac, not me. I'll put em back when I'm done playing around with em. This story contains coarse language and sexual references, but if you've read all the other ones all you under age people why stop there?? This IS the final chapter in the Chyna vs Taker series after all, so INDULGE dammit! Read it! WOOOOOOOO!

* * *

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero

She was Chyna, a somewhat glamorous she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, the dangerher courage will hopefully kill her family!

Where to begin? Oh yessss, many things have been going down since the first little five pager I wrote to keep myself entertained. HBK has returned, rather non-dramatically in my opinion, seeming he aint a god no more, just a pathetic mortal whom could get whipped by X-Pac! (That is, if X-Pac's in the mood.) Hunter is kinda hopeless, seeming he didn't really achieve what he set out to achieve during the previous outing, and that's killing daddy dear' HBK. Poor bastard, poor pitiful bastard, first attacked by X-Pac, then totally destroyed by Chyna. Ho hum. 

Oh yeah, Chyna finds out how much of a whore mom was. Family has never been sweeter.

***

Chyna clutched at her throbbing temples as she laid back onto the hard floor of Road Dogg's overturned and rather smashed palace. Although the lack of scenery was the least of her growing list of problems, that was for sure. Her troubles were verging on the edge of irreparable, and somehow she thought that if she hadn't had interfered at all with the Corporate Ministry she'd be in a better position. Mr. Ass was sitting on a cushion in a drier section of the chamber, flexing his biceps and then admiring them. Chyna stared over her shoulder when she heard a small sigh from behind, to see him completely focused on his muscles, stretching and tensing and groaning softly. Chyna turned back around and continued to try and focus on a solution, but Billy kept on going.

"Oh, look at that muscle baby!" He sighed. "Look at that ass! Aint I just the stud??"

Chyna muttered a curse, spun around to face Badd Ass, and grabbing him by the hair, delivered an assertive headbutt. He groaned and clutched at his forehead as Chyna dropped him on the floor, spat a warning at him and went back into a state of deep thought, leaving Billy to clamber to his feet. X-Pac moved slightly towards Kane, trying to get as far away from Chyna as he could.

"Where's Road Dogg?!" the Warrior Princess muttered, slamming a fist on the table. "I thought you said he was right behind us!"

"Well, I thought he was!" Said X-Pac defensively. "You know, it was high drama out there! I imagined that Road Dogg wouldn't have been so stupid as to hang around a warzone!"

"It was Hunter, not a warzone." Sighed Chyna. "I don't really need him, but Taker would probably find someway to use him against me if he gets a hold of him, and then I'll be forced toget rid of him."

"You wouldn't" Said X-Pac hopefully.

"She would." HBK and Steve sighed together. Chyna shrugged.

"So, I suggest that you find dear Road Doggy Dogg, before some harm befalls him." Sighed Chyna, standing up and rubbing her temples. She muttered incoherently for a second, then turned to Kane standing in the corner, looking bored.

"Ok then brother dear" She said carefully. "You know where you're fatherhangs out?"

Kane nodded thoughtfully.

"Where?" She asked him hopefully. Kane cocked his head to one side mindfully, then eyed her suspiciously.

"Why?" He managed to get out.

Chyna took a deep breath, as five sets of eyes focused on her.

"I'm gonna force some information outta himI'm gonna seduce him."

They all looked downwards and shuddered at the thought.

"I DO NOT need that image running through my mind!" HBK groaned, looking at Chyna in utter disgust. "I meanhe's almost your uncle! And even if he wasn't, I meanyuck! I seriously meanYUCKKK! He looks bad enough with clothes ON. Imagine himwell, well, in the altogethernaked. Yuck! Holy orbs of Sable, you're a sick woman!"

"Are you done?" Muttered Chyna.

"Umyeah." Said Shawn, shuddering one final time. Chyna smiled grimly, showing a set of perfect white teeth.

"Now Kanegimme the address."

***

Hunter smiled wickedly as he eyed the Road Dogg wandering around the darkening forest path, trying to find his way through the barrier of large and ungainly trees. Road Dogg peered warily behind him, searching for any signs of trouble. With tentative glances, he moved slowly forward, then, feeling more confident started a medium paced jog. He was cruising along just fine, until his foot slammed into an upturned root, and he came crashing down to earth. He groaned and tried to stagger up, as Hunter seized the opportunity, leaped into the path of the D-Generate, grabbed his plaited locksand met a well placed knee to the Dogg's face

***

Chyna crept around the wall of the palace, carefully feeling her way along until she spotted what she was searching for, a window, high into the rampart of the building. She looked up towards it, squatted low, and then sprung with the power of her muscular hindquarters, sailing up towards the window, grabbing onto the ledge, and then rolling into the room. It was the kitchens. She glanced around a long, oak bench to see Mideon, a pot in his hand, gaping at her. She swore silently and charged as he turned and began to dash towards help. He never made it.

Chyna flipped across the table, and landed neatly in front of him, fists at the ready. He raised the pot, yelled a war cry and swung it frenziedly at her skull. She ducked the blow and replied with a crescent kick which sent him hurtling backwards onto the table, sending dishes flying in all directions. He growled at her, snatched the closest knife to his grasp and sprung off the table with a yell. He hurled himself at the Warrior Princess, slashed the knife at her stomach. Chyna muttered a curse, grabbed his arm and spun him, leaving the weapon in her own hand. She then leapt across the table, planted her feet firmly onto the ground, went down to one knee and moved the knife towards his stomach. He yelped; Chyna threw the knife in one direction and kicked him in the other, sending him slamming into a small bench. It collapsed, sending him with it. Legs, long, muscular and leather covered stood over him; he gazed up warily at the warrior, standing over him, her hands on her hips. She bent over, her eyes not leaving him for an instant, and scooped up the knife.

"Lose something?" She asked, a chilling smile on her lips, as she sighed, and slammed the handle of the weapon into his head. He fell, wordlessly. 

Chyna breathed in the silence of the kitchen, sensing that she still wasn't alone. She heard itquiet breathing coming from somewhere near the ovens. She strode over towards the noise, and grabbed the unwanted visitor by the hair. She was shocked.

"Christian?" She said, surprised, as she dropped him. He scrambled to his feet. "It's been a while." 

Christian nodded as he stared down at the unconscious Mideon. "Youyou're still pretty much are the same bundle of fun I met a month ago."

"I do what I do." She sighed, raising an eyebrow. "I won't kill him, it isn't worth the effort."

"Ahyes. Princess"

"Call me Chyna." 

"Oh-heh hehsure Chyna."

"Stop giggling."

"Ah-heh heh, sure Chyna. Youyou want me to tell Bearer that you're here?"

She turned her headhe had taken a step towards her, and he immediately stepped back, and skittered towards the ovens, where a strong, spicy aroma was emulating from.

"No. Finish cookingwhatever the hell that is." She stepped over Mideon and took a seat on a long bench at the oak table. "And give me some of that bread.I'm starving."

Christian looked a little nervous, but scooped up the loaf and handed it to her. She smiled, baring perfect white teeth, and bit into it without another word.

***

Christian hurriedly led Chyna down the long, torch lit corridor towards the dining hall. She could tell he didn't like the position that she'd put him in; he'd been nervous and jumpy ever since he'd laid first eyes on her in the kitchens. He muttered to himself quietly, before turning at her and clearing his throat.

"You're mad." He muttered as they walked slowly towards the large oak door at the end of the colonnade. "You're asking to get you're throat cut. Bearer has been in a foul mood lately."

"And how did you come to be serving him?" Chyna asked, inquisitively. Christian shrugged.

"Work's work." He sighed. "It's been rough for me and Edge ever sincethe, you knowTaker incident."

"Mmm." Chyna mused, looking a little guilty.

"Paul Bearer keeps me well employed though, he eats like a Scylla." He looked thoughtful for a moment, and stared at the large trays of food in his grasp, then continued. "Edge is in Athens. I have no idea if he's found work yet though, he hasn't sent word."

"And what about that ugly pig man?" Asked Chyna. "What was his nameGangrene?"

"Gangrel." Muttered Christian bitterly. "He went off with Queen Terri. She's got terrible taste."

"I'd say." Sighed Chyna. As the reached the door. Christian placed the trays of food onto the floor, then opened the large wooded doors. Chyna winced at the sight of Bearer. He sat, wrapped in a crimson toga, on a large silken pillow. Torches lit the spacious room, bathing the room in a pale orange glow. Bearer was the only occupant of the chamber, which relieved Chyna a little. Still, just looking at him made her feel nauseous. He was hideous.

"Umfood my lord" Said Christian, tensely approaching the living, breathing tub o' lard and placing the pair of loaded trays at his slippered feet. Paul Bearer craned his fleshy neck over Christian, and raised a greasy eyebrow at the Warrior Princess standing in the far corner of his chambers.

"And what is she, you pathetic little bloodsucker?"

Christian spun around, to see Chyna gesturing him to turn tail and leave. He turned back to the rotund Bearer and smiled nervously, scratched his head and tried to think of an answer.

"She'sshe's here to"

"To have a PRIVATE little talk." Chyna finished flatly, striding forward and shoving Christian back towards the door; where he reached the exit and kept on going, quietly shutting the door behind him. Chyna regarded the action with a raised eyebrow, before turning her attentions back to the blob on the cushion.

"Well, well, well" Said Paul, delicately picking a small strip of meat from the dish and indelicately shoving it into his mouth. "What do I owe the honor of this visit, princess?"

Chyna smiled unpleasantly, turned and laid herself across a couch opposite the big boy, and grabbed a bowl of exotic fruits.

"Just to see you." She sighed, picking up a cherry and sucking at, before sinking her teeth into the fruit and biting at it, almost seductively. She rolled it in her mouththen spat the pit about a foot from her, landing it perfectly into a tank of exotic fish. Paul gulped.

"Nobodyput you up to it?" Paul Bearer asked suspiciously. Chyna tried to look hurt.

"Oh, how could you think that?" Chyna muttered, before smiling and pulling out a large banana from the bowl. She slowly peeled a section of the skin from the long and edible pulpy mass.

"I came of my own accord" Another piece of skin flopped over the creamy fruit inside.

"Ohgood."

"I hope you realize I've always found youattractive." She rolled her mouth over the long end of the fruit.

"Sexy?"

"SEXY"

"Really?"

"Come here you" Chyna purred aggressively, and forced herself to remain seated as Bearer lumbered towards her and took a seat next to her on the couch. It creaked dangerously under the additional weight.

He lent over and planted a juicy kiss on her cheek. Any other person would have removed themselves from her face after the deed, but not this one. He remained latched on and began to snail crawl his lips over her face towards her mouth. Chyna looked over in disgust as he begun to overstay his welcome and tried to crawl on top of her.

Hell, what am I doing?? Chyna thought in horror. _No information is worth this_.

"Welluh, Paulnow we're friends" Chyna tried to move further across the couch. "How about we discuss the Undertaker's plans with the Sword of HBK, huh?"

"I'm afraid we'll have to consummate our new relationship before I divulge that particular information."

"Oh" Said Chyna, quickly making up her mind about the actions she was going to take in this situation. "In that case"

***

Hunter stood before the Undertaker, a still sobbing Tori and chicken boy Shane, beaming as he held Road Dogg by the hair in glee.

"Look Taker! Look!" He cried happily. "I captured one! Let's pick his brain for information about the warrior bitch Chyna!!"

"I really wonder if anyone even pays attention to me anymore." The Undertaker muttered, cradling his face in his palm. "I said KILL HBK, not bring me this ugly little D-Generate! Is Shawn dead?"

"Well" Said HHH, looking very pitiful. "Chyna attacked me! I think I should kill Chyna first, then get HBK! Chop off the head and the body withers, remember?"

"Yeah, whatever." Muttered Taker. "But make it quick, you're running out of chances. Shawn must be dead so the ceremony can take place! Tori and I shall be wed, and I shall use the sword to smite the other gods! I shall hold the world in the palm of my hand, and no one, especially CHYNA, shall stop me! MUH HA HA HA HA! MUHHH HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Yeahha ha ha ha" Hunter attempted to giggle maniacally like his dark lord. Undertaker stopped dead and glared at Helmsley.

"SHUT UP."

"Sorry"

"MUHH HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!"

***

Bearer sobbed and pulled feebly at his restraints, as he rolled around the floor like a pig ready for slaughter. Chyna stood over his fat body, picking dirt from underneath her nails in great interest, while Christian stood and gaped in horror.

"Whatwhat in the gods names are you doing, Princess?!" He demanded, placing his hands on his hips. "You've practically just put me out of employment! He'll KILL me when he gets loose!"

"That's IF he gets loose." Chyna muttered, leaning over just inches from the fat mans sweaty face. "I could just leave him for the RATS to knaw on. He could feed em for weeks"

Paul's eyes widened in alarm, as he tried to screech something through his gag. Chyna rolled her eyes and sighed; she much preferred the old fashioned method of persuasionseduction could have worked, but she wasn't gonna be the first to try it. Even leading him on with banana play had made her feel a little dirty. She shrugged, placed her hand on the whip she had used to silence him and ripped it off.

"Ok fatass." She growled, kicking him into the wall and forcing him into an upright position. "I want to have a small chit chat with you. Don't worry, no one put me up to it, it was my idea to kick the crap out of you. Although Kane was quite helpful, I'll have to mention that to him when I get back to the D-Generate Kingdom"

"You foul harpy, turning my own flesh and blood against me!"

"Shut the fuck up." 

Her hand was around his flabby throat now, as she pulled herself inches from his wheezing form. He tried to spit on her; she tightened her grip.

"Where were we?" She mused, smiling a brutal smile. "Oh yeah, I was gonna kick your ass all over this room if you didn't help my causewhich, by the way is stopping Dead Man. Let's start with an easy onewhere is he?"

Bearer glared viciously, his face scrunching up as tight as a cabbage.

"Go to Tartarus bitch!"

"Tell me you fat bastard!" Chyna screeched, gripping his throat in a Kane like grip and slamming his head into the wall. Again and again Paul's round head banged into the wall, the back of his skull bashing into the mud bricks.

"Do you like it, huh, HUH?!" Chyna snarled, giving his cranium one final, nasty belt into the barrier. He groaned and swayed dangerously, but Chyna grabbed the muslin toga and prevented him collapsing.

"Christian, prepare the vat of marmalade!" She muttered, spinning on Christian. 

"NO NO!" Bearer screamed, breaking down. "NOT THAT! I'll tell youI"LL TELL YOU DAMMIT!"

"It seems most logical" Sighed Chyna.

"Taker is on Mt. Sexy Boy, with Tori and Shane! He's gonna marry Tori in a ceremony of Darkness, and drink the blood of HBK to welcome him into the world. He's then going to proceed to disembowel you, and anyone else who gets in his way. Hunter has been sent to kill Shawn or at least get some blood for the ceremony. DON'T KILL ME!!! WAAAAAA!"

"Thank you." Said Chyna serenely, before pulling her sword from the scabbard.

"You said you weren't gonna kill me!" Paul sobbed hysterically.

"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you." Chyna sighed, raising the weapon and clubbing him on the head with the flat side of the sharp blade. "Silly."

Chyna then rose, pushed the sword back into the sheath and turned towards the door.

"Get moving." She spat at Christian, who meekly followed the charging warrior. The fight for the universe was on!

***

Chyna groaned as she stared at the sheer height of the mountain. _Why me?_ She thought gravely, as she placed her hand on the first rock, and heaved herself up about a foot from the ground, then struggled vainly to stay on the rocky perch while she tried to push herself up higher. Her grip tightened as she hauled herself up another metre, then, clutching inhumanly at a native grass, she attempted to heave herself up further. Unfortunately, plant life isn't designed for that sort of treatment, so it snapped and she fell flat on her ass.

"Never mind." Sighed Steve, shrugging.

"Yeah, it coulda been worse" Chimed in X-Pac. "You actually gotten some height and hurt your ass when you fell. Good thing you can't climb, huh?"

Chyna spun on X-Pac and glared momentarily, before grabbing by the hair and dragging him towards the base of the mountain.

"Get your ass up there stick boy" Chyna growled. "NOW."

"But why me?" X-Pac asked, hopping up onto the ledge effortlessly.

"Because you're the smallest and most agile." Chyna sighed. "You'll make it to the top before I willbefore any of us will. You may be my last hope, and you have no idea how much it pains me to say that, X-Pac."

"Wellwhat about the others? I mean, just you and me Vs the forces of evil?"

"It's just the mountain that appears to be the difficult partBadd Ass, start climbing."

Badd Ass nodded, flexed and sprung at the rocks.

"I mean, some can climb mountains and some can'tChristian, let's see how you go."

Christian nervously approached the looming peak, and started struggling up the rocks.

"Of course Steve, I'm not allowing you within a hundred feet of this delicate operation." Chyna sighed, taking a run up, and springing onto a high jut in the mountain's side. "You're a piss pot. And Kane, can a seven footer climb a mountain? I seriously doubt it, and seeming Steve there is completely ineffectual, you stay down her with HBK and destroy anyone who comes even remotely close to him. You seem to be quite good at that."

And with that Chyna left a very miserable Shawn Michaels at the base and began the slow clamber to the top

***

The wind whipped fiercely around X-Pac as he reached the top of the peak in record time. He looked around cautiously, then found himself staring at a huge stone parthenon standing on the flat top of the alp. He didn't like the look of it, that was for sure, so he walked carefully to the edge and stared downwards.

"UhChyna?" He called, eyes searching for a sign of her, as his voice echoed back to him. "Billyyyy? Christiannnnn? ANYBODYYYYYY?! HELLLPPP ME, I'M ALONE AND FRIGHTENED!!!"

The height was absolutely dizzying, so he stepped back a few paces and stared back at the huge building.

"Maybe this is MY destiny!" He said to himself suddenly. "Maybe I'M destined to take care of the Undertaker, right here, right now! With no one helping me, not Road Dogg, not Kane, not Chynajust me!" He considered this possibility, then turned towards the lair of evil.

X-Pac surged with confidence as he strode towards the structure, his thin wrists vibrating with excitement.

"Yeah!" He said, getting pumped. "YEAH! HEY TAKER, YOUR ASS IS GRASS, AND I'M GONNA SMOKE IT!!!"

"OH YEAH???" A voice boomed from the building. X-Pac froze with fear; he hadn't expected a response. But, he had sure got one, as the Taker stepped from the structure, all clad in black, his eyes rolling back in his head eerily. Following close behind was Hunter, grinning in glee, and Tori in her wedding gown, holding a chicken and sobbing. Taker spun to HHH.

"Get your ass down that mountain RIGHT NOW." He snarled viciously at Helmsley. "If this scrawny little bastard is up here, that means Chyna's not too far behind. HBK is vulnerable MUHH HA HA HA HAAA!"

Hunter nodded furiously, sprung towards the edge and started scrambling down the rocky mountain face. 

"And now I shall kill you." Cackled the evil Taker, pulling the sword of HBK from a scabbard hanging around his waist, and staring at it for a moment. X-Pac gulped in terror, but there was simply no where for him to run. He looked around frantically for a weapon, and hiding spot, SOMETHING, but failed to find, as the Dead Man charged at him, sword raised above his head. X-Pac cringed and awaited the final blow

"WAAAAAAAAAA!"

A loud screech was heard, and all stopped dead in their tracks as HHH flew from the rocky face and hurtled through the air, arms and legs flailing like a spider. He flew like that for a good three seconds, before thumping heavily back to earth, landing at the Taker's black leather clad feet.

"Chyna" Was all he could manage to say, before passing out. 

Taker's eyes darted to the edge of the mountain in anger, as Chyna flipped out of nowhere and landed cleanly in front of X-Pac.

"You think you would learn NOT to send my pathetic brother on such important errands." Chyna sighed, scratching her nose, shrugging and pulling out her sword. "Oh well, most of my family turned out to be dip-shits. Whaddaya gonna do?"

Taker roared a most loud and pissed off roar and threw himself at the Warrior Princess. Chyna was slammed down by the sheer force of his body, and they hit the ground, the wind whipping at them like icy fingers at all sides. Chyna was on the ground, the Undertaker standing over her, and a dagger coming at her at warp speeds. She did the only thing natural to her in that kind of situationshe kicked him in the nuts.

The Dead Man groaned in anguish, and staggered a little to the left, which opened a world of possibilities to the resourceful Ninth Wonder of the Ancient World. She rolled from his path and sprung up from the ground, her sword no longer in her possession. Instead, she reached for her chakram, and with a snarl, sent it flying towards the Taker's unprotected stomach. It flew at him, a whizzing disk of razor sharp metal, and struck his leather robe. It sawed through itand went flying through to the other side, embedding itself in the building. All that remained was a shredded cloakand a gaping hole through his gut. She could even see Tori through it

"What the?" Chyna said in shock, as Undertaker threw his head back in maniacal laughter.

"Stupid woman!" He cackled evilly. "If you get skewered on a tree, you're gonna have some small disorders aren't you??"

"Oh." Said Chyna, realizing she was out of weapons. "Crap."

Taker laughed and laughed as he kicked Hunter to get him moving, then sent him tumbling down the mountain to achieve his fell purposegetting daddy.

***

Hunter landed heavily onto the ground at the bottom, but forgot his aches and pains the moment he saw a hapless Shawn sitting on a boulder. He grabbed his trusty knife, snickered and ran at him. HBK screamed, leapt off the stone and tried to run, but he tripped and landed helplessly in the dirt. Hunter simply couldn't believe his luck.

He was so happy he didn't notice what was going on around himall he felt was his hair being ripped from his skull, and the rush of air as he flew through the stratosphere and onto the ground. He groaned and hackedhe had taken far too many falls today. Slowly he opened his eyes. Boots, black boots, stood over himthen red, then a hand clasping around his throat

"Shit."

***

Chyna swore silently as a boot found its way into her stomach. She screamed a war cry and kicked franticly at thin air, striking nothing. She struggled away in a spin, bleeding from the mouth, and grasped at her midsection, trying to get some air into her body. She had barely enough time to recover, as soon she was under another assault from the Phenom. He hammered her, he boot kicked her, and one final, malicious headbutt brought her to one knee. Chyna muttered, and as he lent over to pull her up by the hair, she zapped him with a low blow.

It wasn't much, but at any rate, repeated blows to his sugar bloated testes might just slow him down.

***

"FUCKING TARTARUS!" Hunter screamed, this one final obstacle getting under his skin. "It's always something! There's always something to stop me killing this bastard! You are gonna die, you hear me? Both of you! DIE!"

Kane, whom had enough of this impassioned speech, delivered a hellacious smash to the face which sent HHH reeling, before burying the knee into his ripped stomach. Hunter started screaming again about his life, his bad luck with women, his traumatic childhood, everything that had ever pissed him off, then started to smack himself in the forehead and stomp angrily on the ground, throwing the equivalent of a teenage temper tantrum. Kane rolled his eyes in disgust, strode forward and went to deliver another barrage of blows, but this tantrum seemed to energize Helmsley in some way. He leapt in a flurry of right hands and drop kicks, before slashing Kane across the arm with the knife and kicking him into a tree.

"I'm gonna get WHAT I FUCKING WANT!" HHH declared brutally, pulling out his sword and advancing on Shawn, a wicked little smile on his face. Shawn looked around for aidKane was down, Austin was lying in the grove with a beerhe was screwed. He needed to appeal to Hunter's compassion, if any, somehowit was time to let the cat out of the bag.

"Hunter!" Said Shawn, assuming his most godlike voice. "STOP. You wouldn't kill your father would you?"

"No." Said Hunter, continuing to advance, his sword moving closer to the former god. "But I am gonna kill you."

"No, no, you miss the point." Muttered Shawn in despair. "I AM your father!"

"Uh, huh" Said Hunter. "Whatever. Prepare to die. Where does blood spurt most from?"

"You don't believe me?" Screeched Shawn. 

"No."

"May I ask why?!"

"Because you're about to die, and people say things when they're screwedstupid things. Just except it palI kicked your ass and it's only fair that I kill you."

"That's not very nice! And I AM your father! We look alike!"

"We have the same hair style. So FUCKING WHAT??"

"You're real name is Huntercles son! I sired you! You're half god!"

"So I'm an heir to your throne am I?" Said Hunter, smiling unpleasantly. "Well, there's one more reason to kill you then."

"AW CRAP!" Groaned Michaels. But he saw Kane getting back up, and began to feel a little safer. Unfortunately, his facial expression told Hunter he was about to be ambushed. He spun around, flung his knife, and planted it directly in Kane's knee. 

He didn't get up again.

"Oh just great!" Moaned Shawn in alarm, looking around for something to smack is son in the head with. He spotted a long, fallen branch and dove at it, snatching it up with both hands and taking a stance with the long chunk of wood. He swung it once, then twice, frantically sending the branch cutting through the air at Hunter. HHH jumped at Shawn and swung his sword towards the sexy boy's chest.

"Nothing is going to stop me!" Hunter cackled. "Just accept it, I've gone through A LOT of shit to kill you, and it's MY turn for victory!"

But it wasn't over yet, not by a long shot, as whizzing outta nowhere, a Steveweiser hurtled from the trees and smacked Helmsley right in the forehead. The beer temporarily blinded him, and he staggered backwards, giving HBK a window of opportunity to flee. And out from the forest charged a pissed off Austin, who tackled HHH to the ground and started pummeling him senseless with fiery right hands. Hunter kicked him off with a forceful boot. He unceremoniously fell backwards and slammed directly into the escaping Michaels, stopping him dead in his tracks. HHH, his hair dreadfully messed up, screamed, ran forward and bought his sword slashing towards Shawn's stomach. He rolled slightly, and the blow missed his midsection, but slashed into his arm. Blood, thick and red, came pouring out of the wound. Hunter sighedthe blood was enough, he couldn't be bothered finishing him off, he would have to battle a piss pot. He pulled a gourd skin from his belt and filled it with the thick liquid, then looked up the mountain and screamed;

"HEY, BEAM ME UP TAKER! THE DEED IS DONESORTA. I GOT THE BLOOD!"

And he was gone in a puff of smoke.

Shawn started sobbing on the ground, as Austin lifelessly rolled off him and landed on the beer soaked earth. Kane swore and smacked himself in the forehead.

"If I couldmove." He muttered. "I'dkill you myself."

"Hear hear!" Lolled the Drunken Steve as he rolled around in the dirt, giggling inanely.

***

Chyna dodged blow after blow, realizing she couldn't keep this up. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, spinning her around, and a blow connecting to her face. She coughed in pain and found herself staring at the groundat a pair of black boots, at a familiar pair of metallic pants, at an amazing nose

"Hunter!" She screeched as he threw her towards the edge of the mountain. She rolled towards the edge, and then felt herself tumbling off the brink. She grasped onto the side and found herself dangling over the jaws of life, helplessly. She saw Hunter rushing to the Taker happily, presenting him with a gourd. Taker opened the container and smiled and evil smile, confirming her fears

"LET THE CEREMONY BEGIN!"

That gourd contained the blood of a god.

***

Chyna couldn't hang on. She felt her grasp slipping away faster than her hope as she watched Taker and Tori stand together, Hunter standing there holding the gourd and grinning stupidly. 

"We are here to celebrate the union of the Phenom and Queen Tori!" Hunter said gleefully.

"UNHOLY UNION."

"Oh, sorry. UNHOLY union of the Phenom and Tori."

"Queen Tori!" Tori said between sobs. (Yes, she's still mourning for Shane!)

"Um sorry, sorry. Uh, if anyone apart from Chyna is against this taking place, speak now or REST IN PEACE!!!"

"ME DAMMIT!"

They turned to see X-Pac, who had been watching helplessly, run at the happy couple in anger. Taker sighed and caught him with a huge boot, knocking him cold.

"Anyone else?" Sighed HHH.

Nothing. This was it. Chyna was going

When suddenly she felt something boost up her leg, supporting her before she tumbled to her doom.

"Then I now pronounce you"

"DEADDDDD!!!" Screamed Chyna as she flipped from the edge and landed back to safety. And behind her, struggled up Christian and Mr. Ass! Taker snarled and attacked, but out from the Parthenon strode Road Dogg, who pounced and landed directly on the Phenom's back! He struggled in vain to shake him off, but to no avail, as Road Dogg's grip was pretty damn tight!

Badd Ass then sprung into action, kicking the Undertaker mercilessly in the legs as Road Dogg attempted to choke him out with a vice like grip around his neck, as he thrashed about like a guppy in a stingray tank.

"IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S THAT D-O DOUBLE G!" The Dogg screamed in all his glory, as Badd Ass made life very uncomfortable for the Lord of Darkness from the other side.

"THE ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMMES!" Road Dogg shouted.

"THE BADD ASS BILLY GUNN!" Mr. Ass yelled.

"THE NEW AGEOUTLAWS!!!" They both screamed together as the Taker slowly began to fade away.

"And of course, if you're not down with that, I got two words for ya!" X-Pac added, leaping at the Taker's face and performing a perfect drop kick, knocking him all the way down.

"S*CK IT!" The three reunited D-Generates screeched in perfect melody, kicking at the Taker, leaping and whacking, doing what they did bestkicking ass.

Chyna then did what she knew she had to do, what was her destiny to doto murder Helmsleyagain. She ran towards the building, pulled her chakram from the wall, and grinned a triumphant grin as she watched HHH start to attack Christian. With a quick movement of her wrist, she sent the sharp disk soaring through the air. It caught the light and flew, a shining weapon of sheer power, as Chyna watched its course, as it headed for her prey. 

Hunter screamed as he felt the razor sharp metal implanting in his back, and sunk down to the ground, defeated. He saw leather boots walking towards him, and stared up pitifully at the Warrior Princess, before closing his eyes and sinking into the bloodied earth for one final time. Chyna smiled a smile of superiority and pulled the weapon out of his back, before setting her sights on the Undertaker, her final opponent.

Taker had managed to shake the D-Generates off, but had not suspected to be attacked by Chyna so rapidly. As she kicked him in the face, he fell, and found himself an arms length from the gourd of precious blood. He snatched it, and leapt up. laughing like a maniac.

"Uh uh uh." He said, waving his finger at Chyna as if she were a child. "One more step, warrior, and I drink the blood of HBK. Now we wouldn't like that would we?"

"GO TO TARTARUS!" Chyna screamed, snatching the fallen sword of HBK, and sending it bursting through his neck before he could even raise the gourd to his lips. The precious container flew from his grasp, up up, and then descended down, landing conveniently in Chyna's outstretched hand, while his headless body fell, his head rolling next to the lifeless form, his eyes rolled back.

Chyna raised the bloody sword above her head and screamed the most suitable chant she could think of at the time.

"OH HELLLLLLL YEAHHHHHH!"

***

And so, Chyna had succeeded in her quest to rid the world of the ultimate evil. Without the Taker, Corporate Ministry easily fell to the might of Vince the Barbarian, making the world safe again. The D-Generates had reunited, Shawn had returned to Mt. Sexy Boy to continue his reign as top god, Kane eventually managed to get Hunter's knife out of his knee, and Austin returned to his favorite bar, to lead on the Legion of Drunks 2000. Everything was rolled up into a neat little package.

And as for Chyna, she returned to her favorite hobby

Beating up the hos.

THE END.

* * *


End file.
